There’s something wrong with my knee that necessitates having a few blood tests. So off I went this morning to visit the local blood-letting clinic. Hospitals are not places I spend too much time in (although recently the maternity ward has been a regular stop-off). Like many other infrequent visitors I find hospitals’ sprawling and unfamiliar layouts difficult to navigate.
Signs are everywhere and all pointing to departments with long medical names none of which appeared to be on the sheet of paper my doctor had given me. But what makes the process doubly difficult is the proliferation of hand-made signage – word-processed A4 sheets or hand written notices to cater for every eventuality that hadn’t been thought of when the initial signage went up.
In the waiting room alone there were more than twenty different erratum slips posted to the walls. I had plenty of time to wait and managed to take in quite a few. A number were repeat postings in, presumably, strategic locations.
In the corner where I was sitting, a small notice informed me that if I wished to talk privately with a member of staff, I should ask.
Stuck to the window behind me was a note and under the bold heading, “Important Notice”, it said “The garden is not in use due to health and safety issues. As soon as they have been resolved we will let you know”. Presumably notification will be a little word-processed A4 poster. Still, if the problem is health and safety, it couldn’t happen in a better place.
Another notice informs everyone that, “Children 16 years and younger cannot have their blood taken at this hospital, they have to go to St. Helier Hospital for blood tests”. For some ridiculous reason it makes me think the needles they use here must be very big.
While the blood is being drained from my arm I notice three more temporary posts. One is a poem, presumably to take your mind off the needle, ” A smile doesn’t cost a penny. A smile is all your own, it’s never spent…”. Near the poem is a more permanent, printed, notice to the staff, “Does that patient need assistance? Be ready to give a helping hand, it creates a good impression and is a good thing to do. Now think of it in terms of Corporate Governance”. I never would have thought of it in those terms.
Another hand-typed note from admin reminds everyone, “Before you leave, make sure the windows are firmly shut and the lights are out. Thank You”.
On my way out I see a typed instruction, “Remove bulky outer garments before seeing nurse”.
Too late now.
Helpfully, a little sign on the door handle in red felt marker pen, protected by layers of yellowing Sellotape, says “Pull”. I made my excuses and left.
